Leaving a Long Term Relationship

I tell you I rejoice today when I think about how I followed my own heart and moved on from the man everyone else thought I should marry. It was one of those times in my life when I was so torn up. I had dated this guy for three years - liked him and thought he was a great person, but something just was not right. Maybe we were too much alike. By everyone else's opinion he fit the perfect profile, had every worldly commodity you could think of and was a good person. But something was missing and though I could not figure it out, it just was not right.

So the best thing that I ever did for myself was to ask my favorite aunt who had a very successful marriage, how do you know when you are in love? She gave me a simple answer, "You will know when you know." That ended my dilemma. I said to myself if I don't know and it's been 3 years then there really is a problem. So I very kindly moved on. I distanced myself so that there would be no temptations to undo what I had just done. That was the hardest, hardest, hardest decision I had ever made, but it was the absolute best thing that I ever did for myself. It released him and it released me and we both found someone better suited.

Within nine months of that event I met and married the "you will know when you know." This relationship was completely real and completely right. Moments had determined what three years could not obtain. He is something else. Something wonderfully else and we are complete opposites. There is never a boring moment in our lives. My close friends still joke about how I married the man my family had not even met until a few days before the wedding when we flew in to have the big day. He took me totally out of character. Up until that point for me personally it was a cardinal sin for me to ever encounter anyone that did not have parental approval. So people still laugh about it because it really was a big deal. My parents did not know what to think, do or say. But right before the wedding, mom finally cracked - "I'll give you two weeks, then I'm coming to CHECK HIM OUT." And she did. Camped out until she felt I was okay and had not lost my mind. It was so funny when she left, she pulled me aside and whispered in my ear, "he passed inspection." Until the day she died they had a great relationship.

So do you need to move on? Actually no one can answer that but you. I'm going to give you the same wisdom my aunt gave me concerning love - you will know when you know and I will add, if you don't know, be selfless, release him so that you both can find your better half.

Top 4 Surefire Ways to Attract a Relationship

Janis was a success at business. Mid-career she rose to executive level at her company. She enjoyed balance at home with gardening and fitness. She had a good life, but something was missing—a heart-felt connection. Someone to share the daily ups and downs. Someone to experience life with. She followed these four steps to find her match. You can too.

Here are 4 surefire ways to attract a fulfilling relationship.

1. Know what you want.

What do you really want in a relationship? Type or write down the 10 most important qualities you want in a significant other. If you could attract your ideal partner, what characteristics and interests would he or she have? For example, Janis put, "great communication, fun and fitness" at the top of her list. You can include what you'd like this person to look like and also who he or she is on the inside. List physical attributes you prefer, personality styles you like and interests that match or contrast with your own. Then start to notice the people around you who possess the qualities you're looking for.

2. Know what you don't want.

OK, you know what you want. Now ask yourself: What don't I want in a relationship? After your list of relationship wants, type or write down 10 things you don't want. A former client of mine says it well: "My ex-husband was dynamic, attractive and very fun. He was also an alcoholic. I was still after the fun, attractive, and dynamic parts, just not the alcoholism. It was really crucial for me to identify what I didn't want in a relationship. It made it a lot easier to find the wonderful man I'm with today."

3. Change your mind.

What are your beliefs about relationships? Check out the thoughts that are floating around in your head—they will affect your ability to attract someone. The disempowering beliefs usually speak loudest. For example, Janis used to say to herself, "There are no available good men out there." Could she find evidence in the world to support this? Yes. But she could also find evidence to support a different idea. So she changed her belief to "Exactly the right man is out there for me," and continued to say this to herself. This helped her attract a great life partner whom she adores. Write down 3 of your own disempowering relationship beliefs. Then lock up your inner critic or cynic for 5 minutes, and come up with 3 new beliefs that inspire you.

4. Let your matchmakers know.

If you were looking for a new job, you'd tap into your network. Why should looking for a relationship be any different? Use the matchmakers in your life to help you find your new partner. Don't be shy. Put your ego aside in the name of attracting your ideal mate. Another former client, Jim, did this through an eloquent e-mail. He listed his "wants" and "don't wants" in a relationship and sent the list to people he thought would be good "recruiters." He now enjoys a relationship with a local athletic mother of one – an instant family! As business owner Kathleen recently said, "If you truly want to be in a relationship, then all your actions will line up with that intention. In the past, I've asked friends if they knew anyone who might be a good fit for me." Be clear with your friends on what you're looking for. And thank them for sending potential partners your way.

Start the process of attracting a relationship today. Use these 4 steps to get you started. You'll be glad you did.